I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
