FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
