You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
