drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
