Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
