I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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