the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
