Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
