Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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