the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
