I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
