Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
