Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
