Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
