I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
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There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
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There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
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