Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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