ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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