I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
