I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I don't deserve a penis
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
