Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
