I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
