last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
