I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
