we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
