I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
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Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.