I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
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I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
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I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November