No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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