I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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