is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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