My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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