did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
