please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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