What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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