One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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