It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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