i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
