I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
