I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
high people should be assigned attendants
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
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the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
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It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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