you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
