i'm lost and i look like a hooker
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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