I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
