Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
