My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
