i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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