8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
your like the ambassador to my penis.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
