Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Randomize
