mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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