I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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