someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
