sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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