Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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