I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
