Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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