Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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