Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
