Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
