I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
